The Worst Thing I’ve Tasted- The Paleo Diet is Ridiculous.

The first bite I had of this “Shortbread Sandie” Gluten Free, Dairy Free, High Protein, Low Sugar, Vegan, Almond Flour “Cookie” was without a doubt the worst bite of “food” I’d had in a while. In fact, I woke up this morning wondering if perhaps I had been a bit overly zealous in my abhorrence of Paleo foods last night, so I just took another bite before sitting down to write, and this “cookie” is in fact disgusting. It’s so disgusting that it inspired me to jot down my thoughts on this bullshit Paleo Diet sweeping our humble little town of Boulder.

This cookie is made to look like a cookie. But there’s nothing “cookie” going on here. The ingredient list is Almonds, Unrefined Virgin Coconut Oil, Agave, Walnuts, Coconut, Cocoa Nibs, Vanilla Extract, Baking Soda, and Sea Salt. There’s a whopping 317 calories and 29 grams of fat in one cookie, so this is not the type of cookie mom made at home that you’d eat 3 or 4 and giggle with guilty pleasure. This cookie, besides being disgusting, is loaded with fat and calories.

Oh, but they’re GOOD fat and calories you Paleo brain-washed people say. Someone actually funded this company and somehow they’re actually selling this crap and probably making a profit off of really gross snacks. The Paleo eating craze has swept Boulder and I really don’t understand how such an intelligent community could be acting so foolishly. Avoiding all foods not present during our paleo phase in evolution is ridiculous, and even more so when you then try to make something that looks like a modern day food item out of those limited ingredients. This is essentially a processed food. It’s a pre-made, packaged food item.  I don’t see you people out there hunting and foraging to supply your Paleo needs. We’re past that. We’re a hyper modern society that can research health and the human body and we’ve essentially concluded that Paleo diets are a silly fad, so why continue on this path, friends?

As humans evolved, became sedentary, developed agriculture and communities, we started eating grains, legumes, dairy products, and every fruit and vegetable under the sun.  In our modern society of the 365 days of summer in the produce section of the supermarket, we can make anything to eat at any time without ever thinking about seasonality of products. Does it make Paleo dieters feel mentally stronger somehow because they are constantly resisting urges to eat real cookies that actually taste good so they’ll spend money on something that sucks but feign satisfaction because they indulged in a cookie? Our Paleo ancestors weren’t eating agave sickly sweet sweeteners. They weren’t eating baking soda. Walnuts, almonds, and coconut probably weren’t all found in the same regions where Paleo people lived. So why does putting all that together make it a tempting treat to someone on a super restrictive diet?

There’s nothing indulgent in a gluten free, low sodium, no cholesterol, dairy free, soy free, corn free, grain free, no preservative, agave-sweetened not-good-tasting cookie. Why not just have a handful of roasted almonds?